dear brad santa jolie-claus,

this year i have been perfectly decent. i have avoided direct conflict and managed to pretty convincingly hide my honest emotions. most importantly, i voted for obama. in light of my 'good' status, i would like to make a couple of requests re: christmas presents.

first, it seems i will be spending the holiday in texas. please don't hold that against me, brad santa jolie-claus. it isn't my fault that there exist people in this world who seem to think that 'houston has a lot to offer.' houston has an ikea and while i adore the smart scandanavian stylings, one ikea does not forgive an entire state. especially when that state is large and called 'texas.' anyway, i'll be texas this christmas so please make a special trip by to deliver my goods and services - i know it isn't one of your usual stops. now for my list:

1. i would like a package of kraft handi snacks pudding, chocolate-vanilla sundae flavor only i don't want the chocolate on top like it usually comes, i want the vanilla on top and the chocolate on bottom.

2. go go gadget arms or legs or both.

3. hugh laurie but only american accent hugh laurie.

4. i would like all of the time i've pissed away on facebook back.

5. an illustrator. i've got great ideas up thar in ma noggin but damned if i'm not woefully incapable of expressing myself and/or lazy. i would like a full-time, permanent live-in illustrator who i could nudge in the middle of the night and say 'monkeys in cadillacs' and BAMMO that shit would HAPPEN.

6. a pip. there's a reason that movies have soundtracks - i would like my life to have one, too and it is high time gladys shared the pip love, don't you think?

7. i would really enjoy about a hundred of those green plastic army men. i've got a plan.

8. a pony.

9. robert preston, a bottle of tequila, 6 8-track cassettes, and a pistol.

that's all, brad santa jolie-claus. i don't feel like i'm asking for too much here. of course, i'd give it all away for one chance encounter with santa's 8 tiny jolie-pitt reindeer.

happy the ho ho.